that boy hurt me.
he looks like a man.
he talks like a man.
he cried like a man.
and he hurt me with all the force of a man.

but i know that he is just a boy.
deep down under all his layers of protection that he puts up against society...
he is a boy that is in pain. a boy who feels alone. a boy who just wants someone to hold him and tell him that everything is okay.


but he hurt me.




and the fifty pills i took did not take that pain away.
painkillers my ass.
my therapist says that it is understandable that i should be hurt.
which is soothing i suppose, since lately all the different emotions that i have, especially the strong ones, freak me out with their seeming irrationality.

so it's good to know that i once could feel things with reason.
i'm teetering on the edge of a purely rational and emotionless existence and a purely emotional one.




my parents are still separating. and my mother still talks to that man, her friend, more than anyone else in her life. and my brother and i dont talk about our feelings ever. we're not a sharing kind of family. which is probably why i must resort to blogging about my deepest and darkest emotions.

well fuck you.
fuck you all.
i am so angry with you.
yeah, you.
you sitting there and reading what i have to say.
fuck.
you.



i dont feel any better.