that boy hurt me.
he looks like a man.
he talks like a man.
he cried like a man.
and he hurt me with all the force of a man.

but i know that he is just a boy.
deep down under all his layers of protection that he puts up against society...
he is a boy that is in pain. a boy who feels alone. a boy who just wants someone to hold him and tell him that everything is okay.


but he hurt me.




and the fifty pills i took did not take that pain away.
painkillers my ass.
my therapist says that it is understandable that i should be hurt.
which is soothing i suppose, since lately all the different emotions that i have, especially the strong ones, freak me out with their seeming irrationality.

so it's good to know that i once could feel things with reason.
i'm teetering on the edge of a purely rational and emotionless existence and a purely emotional one.




my parents are still separating. and my mother still talks to that man, her friend, more than anyone else in her life. and my brother and i dont talk about our feelings ever. we're not a sharing kind of family. which is probably why i must resort to blogging about my deepest and darkest emotions.

well fuck you.
fuck you all.
i am so angry with you.
yeah, you.
you sitting there and reading what i have to say.
fuck.
you.



i dont feel any better.

my father keeps wanting to spend time with me.
i am all he has, apparently.
he has no friends and he's not close to his siblings...
it's just me.

and all i want is for him to leave me alone.
how selfish is that?
i can't even be with him in his most painful time.
i just want him to stop being so clingy, to stop calling me, to stop asking me to stay home and to stop talking to me even.
but if he leaves me alone, then he will be alone.


but i honest to God wish that he would just leave. me. alone.

i cried in my mother's arms last night, only to find that she had been on the phone with a man.
she tells me that he is her friend.
i believe her.
if she was having an affair i believe she would tell me.

maybe i am being naive.
but trust is all i have left now, since hope is long gone and desire is something that i am scared of.


---------------


i am looking at the rug in our living room.
when we bought this house in December it was too large. we didnt have enough furniture and the floors were uncovered and cold.
and then we bought a rug.
my father, brother and i made a joint effort to bring it up the stairs from our garage and to unroll it onto the cold tile floors.
we all stood and admired the pattern and complimented my mother on her choice.
she smiled and clapped her hands, jumping up and down and saying how pleased she was.
"oooh i made a good choice didn't i?"
it was happiness that i saw on her face.


sitting on this rug now, covered by expensive furniture that will end up in storage or in my grandparents' home after we sell our house, i feel that happiness as a tangible entity. someone i once knew, was familiar with, and now have no idea how to approach or strike up a conversation with. we are now strangers...
and it's fucking awkward.

good talk, daddy.

i just talked to my father.
he asked me what he did wrong in raising me. "what mistakes did i make as a father?"
too many to count daddy.
i told him that he held us to too high a standard.
"wasn't i encouraging? didn't i tell you how well you are doing?"
yes, daddy, but it always came with a but clause.
"'i'm glad you did so well, but you could have done better' kind of thing?"
yes, daddy.

and then the waterworks started.




we talked for a long time. too long. uncomfortably long.

he told me that my mother feels like i think she's stupid.
that was surprising. and hurtful.
he told me that the closest people in his life are his parents and his children.
ahh, i'm in one of those categories arent i?
he said that my brother is too young, so he was trying to reach out to me, but i wasnt there for him.
ahhh, so now i feel guilty.
and i told him how i'm insecure because of that high standard.
"like you're not good enough?"
yes, daddy, exactly like i'm not good enough.
"good enough for who? for a person? for society? for yourself?"
all three, daddy.
i'm not good enough for my romantic relationships, i'm not good enough for society to accept me as a contributing member, i'm not good enough to achieve the grade point average to qualify for the major i want, i'm not good enough as a person.
"you dont think you're a good person?"
no because i'm selfish, i'm not considerate of others.
"it's okay emily, you're built that way"
way to tell me that i was born a selfish, bitchy person who doesnt think about other people and that i can never change, daddy.
then he tries to impart some life lessons or something.


i think he was trying to be closer to me, but in the end, i just feel horrible.
he tried to tell me that i shouldnt be insecure, but surfacing my insecurities and then telling me that they are unfounded once after years of feeling inadequate is not helpful.

and then as he leaves he hugs me and tells me that i am precious to him, and that my brother and i are the only reason that his life holds meaning and that he is proud of me and that he loves me.
so i feel like a horrible person for feeling horrible after that talk. because he was trying, and i cant even muster enough humanity within myself to push past my own pain and try to alleviate some of his.
his pain, which he tells me is enough that he cannot sleep and that he cannot breathe and that he thinks he is going to die.

he says he is going to quit drinking, because he wants to be closer to God and God is so holy that he can't be close to God unless he is more obedient and listens to God's commands.





i cant sleep either daddy.
i cant sleep because the tears wont let me close my eyes and the sobs wont let me lie still.

today my family is angry with each other.
today my heart belongs to a boy who says he is torn, but who is in love with another girl. she loves him. he belongs to her by title.
today that boy is angry with his family and with his girl, and not with me.
today...
today i need someone to talk to.

and so i say hello today.

instead of telling everyone i know all my issues, the plan is to post my innermost thoughts and pain to you.
to no one. and yet potentially, everyone.


hello.

let's talk.