good talk, daddy.

i just talked to my father.
he asked me what he did wrong in raising me. "what mistakes did i make as a father?"
too many to count daddy.
i told him that he held us to too high a standard.
"wasn't i encouraging? didn't i tell you how well you are doing?"
yes, daddy, but it always came with a but clause.
"'i'm glad you did so well, but you could have done better' kind of thing?"
yes, daddy.

and then the waterworks started.




we talked for a long time. too long. uncomfortably long.

he told me that my mother feels like i think she's stupid.
that was surprising. and hurtful.
he told me that the closest people in his life are his parents and his children.
ahh, i'm in one of those categories arent i?
he said that my brother is too young, so he was trying to reach out to me, but i wasnt there for him.
ahhh, so now i feel guilty.
and i told him how i'm insecure because of that high standard.
"like you're not good enough?"
yes, daddy, exactly like i'm not good enough.
"good enough for who? for a person? for society? for yourself?"
all three, daddy.
i'm not good enough for my romantic relationships, i'm not good enough for society to accept me as a contributing member, i'm not good enough to achieve the grade point average to qualify for the major i want, i'm not good enough as a person.
"you dont think you're a good person?"
no because i'm selfish, i'm not considerate of others.
"it's okay emily, you're built that way"
way to tell me that i was born a selfish, bitchy person who doesnt think about other people and that i can never change, daddy.
then he tries to impart some life lessons or something.


i think he was trying to be closer to me, but in the end, i just feel horrible.
he tried to tell me that i shouldnt be insecure, but surfacing my insecurities and then telling me that they are unfounded once after years of feeling inadequate is not helpful.

and then as he leaves he hugs me and tells me that i am precious to him, and that my brother and i are the only reason that his life holds meaning and that he is proud of me and that he loves me.
so i feel like a horrible person for feeling horrible after that talk. because he was trying, and i cant even muster enough humanity within myself to push past my own pain and try to alleviate some of his.
his pain, which he tells me is enough that he cannot sleep and that he cannot breathe and that he thinks he is going to die.

he says he is going to quit drinking, because he wants to be closer to God and God is so holy that he can't be close to God unless he is more obedient and listens to God's commands.





i cant sleep either daddy.
i cant sleep because the tears wont let me close my eyes and the sobs wont let me lie still.